This letter is not exactly what I wanted for this section but the author spent so much time on it that I didn't want to trash it. Besides, I think it does bring up a few points about drugs that could be generally helpful.

In the past 2 years, quite a bit has changed in my life: not necessarily for the better. Admittingly, as much as I would like to evade filling the stereotype of the 'typical raver,' my passion for E and for raves is in all honesty a result of my inabilty to accept what fate has provided (I use fate as a reference because I simply do not know what to blame my consequences on).

I grew up in a typical surbuban lifestyle, wealthy parents, nice neighborhood, etc.) and have been told time and time again "You have so much talent, you have so much going for you, just apply yourself." I had a decent lifestyle, a great best friend whom I always knew I could confide in, and caring parent's who have always looked out for my best interest. I wasn't the prodigal student, however (my behavior in class made my above average grades seem like some sort of paradox by comparison.) despite an onslaught of opinions, my parents denied the fact that I was extremely hyperactive and retorted to any request of putting me on Ridalin (lucky for me, the stuff has some nasty long-term effects.) So, elementary school and middle school was partially spent in time out rooms (some of which ended up being my own after some pictures taken on the French Beaches by my dad which where covertly taken, a leatherman tool (forgot about the knife on it), tobacco experimentation in undesignated areas, not to mention enough random outbursts to make a Monday Night Football Fan seem catatonic.) However, after getting to know the principal on a more personal level (with all the time I spent talking to him, he might has well have been my uncle), To my surprise, I recieved the oppurtunity to skip a grade, reason being that he felt I wasn't challenged enough at my current grade in school, which was causing the decline in my GPA (my parent's where overjoyed, while just about everyone else, especially my teacher, nearly had a stroke).

So, next thing I know, I'm barely 3 months into my 13th birthday and a freshman in highschool. I thought this was e coolest thing, hanging out with all the big kids, going to different classrooms, having different teachers and more freedom...lady luck finally paid me a visit...or so I thought. Everyone thought it was cool that I was 13 and in highschool, which I thought at the time bragging about would secure my place and make people acknowledge me...well, they did, but not quite the way I expected. nobody wanted to hang out with somebody's little brother, more so someone who still thought saturday morning cartoons where essential, not understanding the importance of the night before, apparently. My best friend and I took some apart because, for one, he wasn't all that impressed with my stroke of good fortune, trying to understand why someone as normal as he could have such great luck (if that's what you want to call it) and he couldn't. The only people I really got along with in highschool were people really had no place or purpose, and preferred the ability to smoke pot all day and watch school go up in the same cloud of smoke without so much as a blink of an eye.

This, of course, was the cherry on top of my frustration, because for one, I was attending the first semester on an audit-only basis, so it was written in stone that I would keep my rank. So my freshman year pretty much ended up going to a few parties with my sister and watching as many reruns of married with children and playing video games as my eyes could handle. Sophmore and junior slipped by with little improvement...I actually learned what a 'kegger' was on my own somewhere in between, and made friends with some really cool people along the way...until I realized they're level of 'coolness' was substantially outweighed by their superficiality, and their amazing talent of digressing from anything that might hold some sort of importance later in their lives, including freindship, for the hot blonde on the cheer team or to befriend the starters on varsity football, or pretty much any other chance they discovered to improve their social status. So, reazing my dilemna, I took some time to make considerations, spent some time talking to my best friend, and thought it to be a wise choice to transfer from my school to his after my junior year, and spend my senior year with my best freinds and some of the other friends I had made at the other highschool...I will briefly interrupt myself to ask a rhetorical question that I am certain everyone who has read this has asked themselves a million times: have you ever wanted to do something that felt so right, but when you went through with it, just cannot for the life, no matter how many times you try to rationalize it, cannot for the life of you understand how it all went so, so wrong?

The thesis for my senior year. At the beginning of the year, everything seemed to be going well (perhaps I was delusional, or just insanely ingnorant), I had an attractive girlfriend, I was with my best friend and our small clique, and even met some other really cool people. Well, everything was going well until about 2 months into the school year, when I found out that my best friend had been making passes at my girlfriend. Well, we entered into an argument about it, which resulted in us not talking for some time. I figured, fine, more time with my girlfriend. but eventually, I forgave him because he convinced me that, althgouh he was interested in her, he had never made any moves while she and I were dating. Well, not too long after, I found out he had been sending her letters that she showed me, love letters intended to persuade her to steer away from me and take him instead, also claiming how materialistic, snobby, superficial, and pompous I was. Well, after that, lying to my face, incessant efforts towards my girlfriend, some malicious emails, etc., that was pretty much the end of a 9 and a half year friendship. My conclusive thought was that at least I learned what an asshole he was now and not later down the road, had we ever gone into business together, or I got married or something...needless to say, it was just my girliend and I...or so I thought.

I've been writing for quite a while, and I realize this is nearly as bad as starting to tell someone a juicy rumor that stopping short to reconsider, and leaving the audience in a state of nail-biting curiousity (if you really that curious, you can email me, I don't mind sharing stories with someone that shows geniune interest, or can at least relate), but all I want to say about this subject is apparently she felt that she had room to juggle another person in her life besides me (I don't know, maybe smelling the same cologne everyday got to her or something, and she just felt she needed a change of pace), but my senior year pretty much ended up in shambles, resulting in a restraining order and a summer full of court appearances for knocking out the guy she had so cleverly kept from my view, a definite increase in my already ongoing four year drinking habit, and of course, back to the same small cluster of pretentious individuals I called my friends, but in all honesty wouldn't trust within ten feet of a half empty coin jar, back turned or not....

So I went to college, UofA, nice school, met some nice kids in my dorm, joined a fraternity...all was going well, cause I thought that if I got in the mix, I would be gold in the social scene...well, I was one of the most appreciated pledges in my frat, I had started a relationship with a really hot sorority girl, all was well...and at this point, well, the girl I was seeing had an issue with age ( I am hardly 17 at this point and she was 20 ) which I guess was a real big deal to her, I mean after all, what would she tell all her sorority sisters? So she pretty much dissappeared and next I knew she was seeing some other guy in another house...thanks for telling me. Then I had some issues with some of the guys in my frat house, found out partying all the time was not healthy for your academic career (1.6 GPA) and...well, at this point, things weren't going too bad, but I guess between last year and noticing some of the same traits with the people I was friends with, I just kind of snapped.

I dropped out second semester, got an apartment on my own, then finally said fuck it, and moved back up to ASU, my hometown, because at the time a few of my relatively close frineds made it sound like a good idea...well, seems I had missed out on some of the action when I was at of my best friends is a hardcore tweaker and has pretty much dissappeared off the face of the planet since I've been here, Two of my best girlfriends are fucking up in school now because they think acid and K is so much more exciting than homework, and well, the partially normal people I was freinds have either stabbed me in the back or moved away... so now it has been a year since I graduated, six months since I dropped UofA, and now I'm right back where I started, in the middle of nowhere. My parents are expecting me to go back to school, but at this point in my life, I'm not so sure I see the point...but if I don't, I'll be a failure in my parent's eyes... everyone I have ever trusted has either stabbed me in the back, left town without a trace, or gotten so fucked up on drugs they forgot my first name half the time.... at this point you're probably asking yourself "wait a minute, well, if he has watched all his friend down the tubes because of drugs, why wouldn't he stay away from the shit and try some other way to improve his life?" Well, I'll respond to that with, for one, I pretty much lost any kind of faith I have ever had in leading a prominent and succesful lifestyle, and quite honestly at this point, I would rather be high and be happy for a short amount of time then be depressed all day long, trying to figure if tomorrow is really worth it. For a lot of people, drugs are a fun little additon to a party or social event, but for a small percentage of us, drugs are the only thing that keep us going. I want to beleive that at some point in my life things are going to turn around for me, and my life is going to improve, and I'll fall in love and meet someone I can confide in, and at 18 with no one but my roomate (for expenses mostly) to really talk to, E is the only thing that keeps my eyes open, that and a commitment I made with myslef a long time ago that at some point in my life I would make my family proud of me...

I realize this isn't what you expected as a reply the forum topic, probably not even very close, but basically, my experience with E, EVERY experince with E, for that matter, is one step closer for me for forgetting the past, and one more night that i can enjoy myself, and gather the courage to talk to other people and try to make friends without so many apprehensions clouding my mind and inhibiting my love for people...I love people, I love raves, I wish more than anything I just had a couple close friends I could talk to...someone who could understanding me and see the world the way I see it...everytime I rave, I'm a step in the right direction.

I think you should go back to school and finish it. Leaving things unfinished in your past become your handicaps instead of accomplishments. Forget about waiting for something good to happen to you. Luck is not something to be proud of. Luck never builds character. Struggle does. Hard work does. When you you get those you'll be able to enjoy your E ten times more... and you'll be doing it for the right reason.


Don't let other people get you down. depend on yourself, if your friends stabbed you in the back, so what. Fuck Them, go make new ones. Just don't give up on life, or else you'll end upkilling yourself like my friend a year ago.

I just want to know where are you now? I started doing acid at the age of 15. I did it for about 6 months straight then stopped. I grew up having a few problems with childhood, parents divorce things on that line. I am 21 now graduated a 2 year business school to become a paralegal I currently work for an investment firm here in New York City. Every weekend I am at the clubs. I have become a big fan of E. I do as much as I can get It's like it has become so addicting. I am actually going out tonight with my friends I just bought 5 hits for myself I am actually trying to cut down. I want to stop and go back to school and give up working and go for my masters but then I think about giving up the clubbing and everything. When I am on the drug I am so happy, so care-free. When I am not on it I'm not depressed or even close I would just rather be on E because I am so happy and love everybody. Your story is very deep I would love to talk to you if you would like feel free to e-mail me.


I can relate..all too well actually.It sounds like we come from different backgrounds but I can see myself exactly where you are in a year or so.E-mail me.Maybe we can help each other out a lil bit.


It's not really my first time rolling that was the best its every time. Things seem so much easier and clearer. i get something out of it each time and it makes me a nicer and more open minded person.I just wish i would say all the nice things when i am sober.anyway's i love E.


wow, it seems to me your going through a lot of the shit i'm going through right now...I am a 20 year old female from Michigan and I would like to talk to you...

you can e-mail me at